All matches are part of an elimination tournament beginning with 16 competitors, each in the prime of her competitive career. Matchups were chosen by random draw.
As usual, Al, Tim and Elfi will give you expert commentary and analysis as they recap each match RIGHT AFTER ITS COMPLETION! Don’t miss a moment of the action!
The Matches
ROUND OF 16
1. Dominique Moceanu vs. Nastia Liukin
2. Shawn Johnson vs. Simona Amanar
3. Svetlana Khorkina vs. He Kexin
4. Mo Huilan vs. Shannon Miller
5. Daniela Silivas vs. Nadia Comaneci
6. Carly Patterson vs. Tatiana Gutsu
7. Lilia Podkopayeva vs. Elena Produnova
8. Gina Gogean vs. Elena Shushunova
1. Dominique Moceanu vs. Nastia Liukin
Al: This first match of the evening was an exciting kick-off, guys. What did you think?
Elfi: Nastia was in the best shape of her life, and she really came out swinging.
Tim: Yeah, until the three-minute point, when Dominique’s coach, Bela Karolyi, slipped her a mirror through the ropes and Dom held it up and let Nastia get a good look at herself.
Elfi: Nastia took off running faster than she did in warm-ups.
Al: So what does this mean, guys? Dominique wins by default?
Tim: That’s the rules. You run out of the arena screaming at the top of your lungs, no medal for you.
Elfi: Awww, too bad.
Tim: So we’re going to get to watch Dominique square off against the winner of Podkopayeva/Produnova in the quarterfinals.
2. Shawn Johnson vs. Simona Amanar
Al: Personally, I didn’t think Shawn had a chance. What did you think, guys?
Tim: Well, I didn’t either, but again we had illegal interference from an American coach . . .
Elfi: When Shawn’s coach, Liang Chow, threw Shawn that bottle of Ortega Taco Sauce, I expected her to get a major deduction, but the judges didn’t even see it.
Tim: And Simona didn’t see anything at all after Shawn squirted the sauce in her eyes.
Elfi: Awww, too bad.
Al: So what does this mean, guys?
Elfi: It means Shawn moves on to the quarterfinals to face the winner of Gogean/Shushunova. Should be a good one.
3. Svetlana Khorkina vs. He Kexin
Al: This match was hard to watch.
Tim: I’m surprised the Olympic Death Match Committee put little He against the statuesque Queen of Bars.
Al: So Sveta was drinking? She’d been to a bar?
Elfi: The only chance He Kexin had was when Khorkina temporarily passed out from anorexic starvation and fell on the mat. But He didn’t take advantage of it the way she’d practiced in warm-ups.
Tim: No, little He used the breather to do some finger-painting.
Elfi: Nice painting, though. Something about the Communist uprising.
Al: So what does this mean, guys?
Tim: It means He’s still a Communist, but Sveta moves on to face the winner of Silivas/Comaneci in the quarterfinals.
4. Mo Huilan vs. Shannon Miller
Al: It looked like Shannon Miller had on some makeup for this match.
Tim: Yeah, and it was running down her face, because she broke into tears seven times before finally defeating Mighty Mo.
Elfi: Shannon has always had beautiful style and grace, but I think what hurt Mo the most was when Shannon stopped in the middle of the fight and explained to Mo that all of her family’s gods are fake. Plus she told Mo not to take cortisone shots.
Tim: Mo’s used to pressure, but she never recovered from that. When she sat in her meditation pose, Shannon easily pounded her to a bloody pulp.
Al: So what does this mean, guys? Did Shannon corrupt Mo’s religion?
Elfi: Possibly, but the most important thing is, Shannon’s going to compete against the winner of Patterson/Gutsu in the quarterfinals. If Tatiana is able to beat Carly, we could be in for a rematch of the Barcelona All-Around.
5. Daniela Silivas vs. Nadia Comaneci
Al: I’d say things got pretty ugly here.
Elfi: And fast. Nadia got both her hands in Daniela’s frizzy hair and just banged her around like a rag doll.
Tim: And the judges totally overlooked Bela Karolyi lurking at ringside with a tire iron in his hand.
Al: Did he have a flat or something?
Elfi: Poor Daniela never had a chance, and I know she had her heart set on facing her arch-nemesis, Elena Shushunova later in the evening.
Al: So what does this mean, guys?
Elfi: It means Nadia is going to have to take on Svetlana Khorkina in the quarterfinals. That’ll be a good one.
6. Carly Patterson vs. Tatiana Gutsu
Al: This was one I was really looking forward to.
Elfi: You know, Carly was showing us some good moves in warmups, but she just wasn’t able to perform when the chips were down.
Tim: And there was no way she should have been manhandled by someone as tiny as Tatiana.
Elfi: Well, she was thrown off after Tatiana’s coach, Alexander Alexandrov, barged into the ring and threatened to replace Tatiana with Roza Galieva. Carly was like, “Who’s Roza Galieva?” And the fact of the matter is, Roza was supposed to have been in this contest, but Alexandrov pulled her out because she had a leg injury.
Tim: It was classic Russian interference and distraction, and it was enough to allow Tatiana to beat Carly senseless for the win.
Al: So what does this mean, guys? Will Roza get put back in and move on to the quarterfinals and leave the Painted Bird eating birdseed on the sideline?
Tim: No, it means we’re going to get what we were hoping for: the rematch of Gutsu/Miller in the quarterfinals.
7. Lilia Podkopayeva vs. Elena Produnova
Al: I have to admit, guys – this one scared me.
Elfi: I’ve never seen anything like it. Even in warmups.
Tim: It just goes to show that pound-for-pound, Produnova is one of the strongest gymnasts to ever put on a leotard.
Elfi: And one of the strongest to ever take off another gymnast’s leotard. I can’t figure out why she stripped Lilia in front of 35,000 people.
Al: Is it possible she was mad at her for something?
Tim: My guess is she wanted to embarrass Lilia after Lilia destroyed her husband’s life. And, of course, once Lilia was naked and more worried about covering herself than fighting, Elena just broke her to pieces.
Elfi: Awww, too bad.
Al: So what does this mean, guys?
Tim: It means Lilia doesn’t shave very good, and it means Produnova’s going to the quarterfinals to face little Dominique Moceanu. That might get ugly.
8. Gina Gogean vs. Elena Shushunova
Al: This was one heck of a contest.
Tim: That’s right, Al. Both girls had their game faces on.
Al: It looked like Gina even smiled at one point.
Tim: No, that was just the lighting.
Elfi: They came to win, that’s for sure. I thought when Elena hit Gina in the head with that snow shovel, that would be lights out for Gina.
Tim: But you’ll remember, Gina took one of the hardest and most dangerous falls in gymnastics at the 1994 World Championships when she cracked her head on the beam as she flipped off it.
Elfi: Elena was surprised when Gina just kept coming after her. The Romanians have a great training program. Octavian Belu has managed to turn Gina from a sullen, introverted gymnast with questionable skills into a sullen, introverted gymnast who’s one of the best in the world.
Tim: But Elena’s just too strong, and we all knew it. When she performed that emergency appendectomy on Gina right in the middle of the ring, you knew it was as good as over.
Al: So what does this mean, guys? Could Gina have won if she hadn’t had the operation?
Elfi: It means that Elena’s going to get a chance to perform an operation on a taco when she goes up against Shawn Johnson in the quarterfinals. Which are coming up next.
QUARTERFINALS
1. Elena Shushunova vs. Shawn Johnson
2. Svetlana Khorkina vs. Nadia Comaneci
3. Shannon Miller vs. Tatiana Gutsu
4. Elena Produnova vs. Dominique Moceanu
1. Elena Shushunova vs. Shawn Johnson
Al: Moving into the quarterfinals, I didn’t know what to expect. Did you? Tim? Elfi?
Elfi: I knew that if Shawn tried the taco sauce trick she used on Simona Amanar with Elena, it might backfire.
Tim: And boy, did it backfire.
Elfi: Up until that moment, Shawn had been putting up a pretty good fight. Lots of hair-pulling and slapping and name-calling, even though Shushunova had no idea what she was saying.
Tim: Shawn even managed to hit Elena with her iPod a couple times and make her listen to a Lil Wayne song.
Elfi: Lil Wayne’s a good tactic if you want to disorient a normal human being like Elena, but Shawn should have left the taco sauce back in the warm-up area.
Al: Okay, I need someone to tell me what happened, because I got lost coming back from the bathroom during the second half of the match.
Tim: Well, what happened was, Elena popped Shawn’s taco with the Ortega Taco Sauce bottle and called her a couple of interesting names in Russian. Loosely translated, it was something like, “There Lil Wayne in taco – how you like that, American . . .” then a word which has something to do with having sex with your father. It was hard to tell from where we were sitting. Elena’s a great gymnast, but her English is somewhat sketchy.
Elfi: And right then, I knew it was all over. You can’t win Celebrity Gymnast Death Match with a popped taco.
Al: So what does this mean, guys? Will Elena defect to Mexico?
Tim: No, it means Shushunova advances to the semifinals to face the winner of Khorkina/Comaneci.
2. Svetlana Khorkina vs. Nadia Comaneci
Al: I thought Nadia’s first match was brutal, but this one was ten times worse, wouldn’t you say, guys?
Elfi: It was going well for Svetlana – she was landing all her blows and really stunning Nadia – but then outside interference put an end to that.
Tim: The Olympic Death Match Committee and all the judges completely ignored Bela Karolyi when he snuck down to ringside and gave that salt to Nadia.
Al: There was still some taco sauce on the mat – could that have been the reason for the salt?
Elfi: No, the reason was so Nadia could throw a handful of it in Khorkina’s eyes and blind her. Then Bela gave Nadia that tire iron he’d been carrying and, well, not good.
Tim: You don’t see injuries like that in gymnastics too often. Personally I hope I never see anything like it again.
Al: So what does this mean, guys?
Tim: It means Nadia, who I can honestly call the dirtiest player in the game today, is going to square off against Elena Shushunova, who isn’t going to put up with those kind of illegal tactics, I can promise you that much.
3. Shannon Miller vs. Tatiana Gutsu
Al: This was the match we’d been waiting for, right guys?
Tim: That’s right, Al. Miller/Gutsu. Who’s number one? Who’s in the best shape? Who wants it the most?
Elfi: And who was prepared to do whatever it took to win. And tonight, that was Tatiana.
Tim: Shannon didn’t seem as prepared as I thought she’d be. She seemed lost and distracted. Even with Steve Nunno shouting at her, she never got her focus.
Elfi: And Tatiana was flawless. During that one exchange, I think she must have hit Shannon twenty times before Shannon even knew what was happening.
Tim: At the end, Shannon was bleeding out of all seven holes in her body, if you count both nostrils.
Elfi: Awww, too bad.
Tim: Then Tatiana pulled out a box of tampons . . .
Al: Tampons? In gymnastics?
Elfi: I’m sure Tatiana’s coach explained to Tatiana what they were before the match, but naturally Shannon had no idea, so it confused her and made her cry. Steve Nunno was over on the sidelines screaming, “Come on, Shannon, suck it up!”
Tim: And Shannon’s like, “But I don’t know what these things are! This is a new element in my perceptive field!”
Al: So what does this mean, guys? I’m no idiot, but–
Elfi: Yes, you are.
Al: Okay, but does this mean Tatiana now has to take on the winner of our next match, Produnova vs. Moceanu, in the semifinals?
Tim: That’s exactly what it means, Al, and all I can say is Tatiana better hope it’s Moceanu.
4. Elena Produnova vs. Dominique Moceanu
Al: I’m stunned.
Elfi: Me, too.
Tim: What I don’t understand is how Dominique, as little as she is, had that much blood in her body.
Elfi: The Olympic Death Match Committee needs to revise the Code of Points to disallow that kind of punishment.
Al: I was in the bathroom again – tell me what happened when Elena pulled off Dominique’s left arm.
Tim: Well, there’s really not much to tell. Elena had Dom on the mat, and she stood on top of her chest, where it was flat and she’d have a good footing, then she grabbed her wrist, tugged, and off came the arm. I’ve never seen so much blood.
Elfi: As hard as it was to watch, I’m glad the judges banned Bela Karolyi from the arena, because matches are supposed to be fought between the contestants, not between the contestants and a coach.
Al: So what does this mean, guys?
Elfi: It means that Tatiana Gutsu is in big trouble in the semifinals, which are coming right up.
SEMIFINALS
1. Elena Shushunova vs. Nadia Comaneci
2. Tatiana Gutsu vs. Elena Produnova
1. Elena Shushunova vs. Nadia Comaneci
Al: What a match! I couldn’t believe what I was watching.
Elfi: It was everything we expected. Both gymnasts were in top form, and you know they both came here to win.
Tim: When Elena put some of that leftover taco sauce in Nadia’s mouth, I thought that was going to spell the end of the Romanian dream.
Elfi: Yeah, because Nadia doesn’t know what tacos are.
Al: Does she know what tampons are?
Elfi: I don’t know, Al. Why don’t you go and ask her?
Al: Not me.
Elfi: Well, either way, Nadia ran over to the side of the mat and started throwing up. Gross!
Tim: Which should have signaled Elena to capitalize on the situation, but something obviously distracted her, because Nadia had plenty of time to recover, and she came back and beat Elena badly.
Al: Didn’t you see, guys? Daniela Silivas was hiding down by the other side of the ring and yelling vulgarities at Nadia.
Elfi: That was Daniela? I thought somebody had a chia pet down there.
Tim: But it was enough to throw Elena off, and Nadia brutalized her. It looked like she knocked out several of Elena’s teeth at one point.
Elfi: Awww, too bad.
Al: So what does this mean, guys?
Tim: It means that Nadia is going to the Celebrity Gymnast Death Match final to face the winner of Gutsu/Produnova.
Elfi: And it means if anybody needs to go to the bathroom, during the Gutsu/Produnova match would be a good time to do it, because we all know what’s going to happen.
2. Tatiana Gutsu vs. Elena Produnova
Al: Elfi, I have to say, I know you know your gymnastics, but we should have never listened to you and went to the bathroom.
Tim: It was a critical error on Elfi’s part and a big blunder on ours. Even though I did manage to get a date with Carly Patterson while I was out there.
Elfi: Look – nobody in this whole building thought Tatiana had a chance. Nobody!
Al: We missed it all, and now we can only stare down into the ring and try to piece it together.
Tim: What needs piecing together is Elena Produnova. In all my years of gymnastics, I have never . . . oh, my God – look! It’s Tatiana’s coach, Alexandrov, leaving the arena with Tatiana, and is that . . . is that a baseball bat he’s carrying? Un . . . unbelievable!
Elfi: He probably slipped that to her during the match to use on Elena!
Al: But baseball bats are illegal in Celebrity Gymnast Death Match!
Tim: The judges didn’t even see it, and now Elena is lying broken and bloody in the middle of the ring.
Elfi: And she was hitting all her moves in warmups.
Al: So what does this mean, guys?
Elfi: It means we’re going to get set for the championship match – Tatiana Gutsu vs. Nadia Comaneci. This may be one you don’t want to let your children watch, is all I can say.
CHAMPIONSHIP DEATH MATCH!
Tatiana Gutsu
vs.
Nadia Comaneci
Al: Well, guys, anything to say about what we just witnessed?
Elfi: I think the fight outside the ring was more vicious than the one inside the ring.
Tim: Especially when Bela Karolyi tried to run Alexandrov over with that riding lawn mower.
Elfi: And when Alexandrov threw that hand grenade at Bela.
Tim: And when Bela called Alexandrov a “Russian homosexual crossdresser.”
Elfi: And when Alexandrov threatened to replace Marta with Roza Galieva.
Al: But Roza’s only sixteen!
Tim: But the good thing was, because the two coaches were trying to kill each other outside the ring, their two girls were free to slug it out inside the ring.
Elfi: I watched Nadia in warmups, but I never imagined she had such powerful legs. When she kicked Tatiana in the ribs, I could hear the breakage from up here.
Al: Actually that was me cracking open some peanuts.
Elfi: Al, you are so lame.
Tim: Then when Tatiana slapped Nadia in the face and said she looks like a boy . . .
Elfi: And Nadia screams, “I gouge your eyes out, Ucraineană curvă,” which means Ukrainian whore.
Tim: But the move that won it was when Nadia caught sight of young American gymnast Bart Conner sitting at ringside, and that gave Tatiana enough time to reach in her gym bag and get that notorious baseball bat and break Nadia’s neck.
Elfi: Awww, too bad for Nadia.
Tim: Yeah, poor Nadia. But Tatiana Gutsu showed us all that there’s a lot more to the Painted Bird of Odessa than just birdseed.
Al: Or peanuts.
Elfi: Al, I swear to God, this is the last competition I’m doing with you.
Al: So that’s all for this edition of Celebrity Gymnast Death Match. Our congratulations go out to all 16 wonderful competitors, but especially our winner, Tatiana Gutsu. See you next time, everybody!
